So, I’m going to share a few little insights into how or why I have changed so much, or not changed but become myself again, or for the first time. And a bit of life advise or ways I now live by, my values.
This has been a long time coming. In fact, it’s the shot above where I realised a light went on again. after bloody years, maybe for the first time ever, and the light was still on the dimmer switch but at least it was there. This was taken in December 2018 in Nepal and it opened my eyes up to a whole different way of life. But it got me thinking, of where my values lie…
I shared a post recently and I always say it, I wish people were a little more loving everyday. It’s easy to pass judgment, to say something, to be rude or just not kind but you never know what someone else is going through. trust me. Really, it’s taking a lot of internal work and truth to myself to even be able to write this. So I thought, maybe people would understand my ideas and thoughts if they knew where I was coming from, so here goes. DEEP BREATH (something I now am finally able to do).
I saw something today…
I do this thing when I am in a shop where I open a random book on a random page, what is says usually really resonates with me or has something to do with what’s happening in my life at that moment. Today it said ‘other peoples opinions don’t determine your worth’ and it’s something I needed to hear. I always have worried about what other people think, that they’re judging me, that they talk, but does it even matter? It isn’t really real. And why should I care so much about someone who doesn’t about me. I feel like through what goes on in social media it’s important for me to share this. for what most people think is ok, that they see on the outside you don’t know what’s going on in the inside.
This also came about form a package someone sent me with the kindest words, and it got me thinking about what I do love, and people can see that, despite what may or may not be going on, on the inside. Give me a coffee, a camera and a kitchen and I’m one happy lady.
Which leads me back to what I wanted to share. You can’t fuck up your own story.
Our life paths may have several twists and turns and sometimes when sometimes doesn’t feel quite right and you know you should change it but you don’t, but then someone does for you. Your shoulds then become musts and life takes you down a path you Never expected, for the better.
It’s only people who are closest to me that know this but if it wasn’t for my sister, curracloe beach and cooking I wouldn’t be here today. they saved me. Almost two years ago I went through a breakup. Most of you may roll your eyes and think of it was only a boyfriend but to me it was more than that, my best friend, family, my gym, home, my identity, who I was and all I knew. I wonder now how I lost my own self so much, but gained so much also. My sister would come check up on me at weekends when she was off work and the sound of the sea and cooking was so soothing.
I can only describe the breakup as the feeling of a death of someone who was so close to you just taken away in the blink of an eye, where everything you know and loved was just swept away from you and you didn’t know how to survive, or breath by yourself. but that they’re still alive, and it’s not as if they left because they didn’t have a choice, they did, they just didn’t love you. you not only have to learn to live by yourself but live with the saddest feeling, the feeling on not being loved. nobody wants to be told by the person you gave all your love to, you gave all your time and life to that you aren’t loved. Yes, I was the kind of person, believe it or not (for any of you who only know me recently will find this hard to believe) that I could barely go to the toilet on my own let alone spend clock time by myself. I didn’t know how I was going to survive by myself, but now, now I think this is the greatest gift I could ever have been given.
I Learnt to love myself instead.
I never knew who I was, what I liked, what I didn’t.
Didn’t know what to wear, or eat, how to talk or move or what I liked to do. I spent all my life doing what others wanted me to do, to wear, to say. Now it was my turn. to choose what I felt for myself, even though I didn’t want to. I was incisive, secretly, or not so secretly, loved someone making a decision for me.
I didn’t speak, friends now will tell you on shoots I didn’t speak from call time until wrap time, not a word, nada. now, they tell me to shut up, almost.
I remember a point I was so low where I found it difficult to drive as if someone beeped at me for making a mistake it would tip me over the edge, the truth is, I struggled to even drive, but didn’t have a choice, it’s part of my job, a major part. But everyday I got myself into that car I remember telling myself well done for doing it, for getting out of bed and for moving. And now, it’s helped me have a different perspective when I drive, to see, that if someone makes a mistake, it’s not because they didn’t mean to. you don’t know what kind of day they’re having, so maybe, just give them a chance.
So where does food come into this?
I have always been or felt like I was fat, overweight. And while most people won’t see the changes, I do, I still do. both externally and internally. Looking back, I can also see why people overeat, I did, for years, it was a crutch, a comfort, I had no other love, but that of food. It’s what kept me going. To take that away I wouldn’t have anything left, so now, my perspective of life has changed, so has mine towards food.
I cooked for love from people, now I cook for love for myself, for the love the feeling of cooking brings to me, not the feeling of eating. I no longer cook to get love from others. I cook because I feel like it, because it brings me happiness. The smell of onions and garlic in a pan or stirring a pot brings me so much joy. The love that comes when people love what I cook, when it makes people happy and brings people together that’s just the icing on the cake really. The feeling of creating something delicious, probably off the back of something I’ve tasted on my travels and it brings the memories back.
I’ve changed my perspective on how or what I choose to eat and how I see food. I was taught over the years what food are ‘good or bad’ what foods we ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ eat and it fucked me up. bitta balance, you’re laughing. Don’t deprive yourself of the donut or what you love, you gotta live.
What else have I learnt? more than I can write in this little ‘ole post but one thing’s for certain…
The whole process of loss and change, it has taught me I can survive anything. Everything will be alright.
It allowed me to learn so much about myself. I learnt not to care, I had lost so much I didn’t give a shit anymore. I never wanted to go away for Christmas because I thought it would upset my family, I went, it was the best thing I ever did, there’s always another Christmas, another birthday, another family gathering, they still love you by the way. If they really care all they want is you to be happy.
I think travel has done that too, the not caring part. I think I inspired a few from what I did and it fills me with such happiness that I did but..for anyone that can, do. go, travel as much as you can, as often as you can, by yourself as much as you can. if you don’t think you can do what I did a take your single broke ass to Asia to the next town. Go to a coffee shop alone, go to the beach or for a hike. I can honestly say, taking that flight to Bangkok on my own, for the first time, in December 2018, with no plan, and terrified, but excited to my core, was the most empowering thing I have ever done.
Now that I look back, I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t know how long `I would stay for, where I would go, where I would stay, I booked a flight to Bangkok and figured it out after and it’s kind of how I flow through life now. everything anyway works out, just as it’s meant to.
I got to decide for the first time, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to eat and I didn’t have to ask anyone their opinion.
Just go do something that scares you a little, I know it’s where all the growth is, I test myself all the time now, it’s become a bit of a game.
I’ve so much more I want to share, but there’s only so much we need to.
One of the greatest things I learnt was from one of my favourite people when chatting to them about mediation, and I’m reminded of them today because it’s their Birthday. I was always told I needed to meditate. To sit in stillness.. but it comes in so many forms. Through surfing, or hiking, diving. for me, its through cooking. you don’t have to force yourself to sit still with a timer on for 15 minutes while a gazillion things go through your head, do whatever it means for you, or not, that’s fine too.
If someone says something to you or shares they’re opinion, it’s like they’re giving you a package, you can choose to open it or hand it back as a return. I do feel now that if someone says something to me negatively I can choose to listen or I can do what I usually do and I send them love and hope that what they’ve done has brought them some happiness or helps them.
people used to ask me what helped me get through the really shite times. AND I figured out. It’s something that really helped me, and that worked for me. I did something small that made me feel good, start super small, like having a hot shower or getting into the sea, and start going bigger. then start doing it monthly, weekly and daily. Soon you’ll feel good more regularly and you’ll feel happy.
There’s more to all this that I’ll ever share but you get the jist, I bloody hope you do anyway after me blabbing all that out.
Growth taught me that getting away from who I am is not something I am never prepared to do ever again.
So, don’t care what others think. Do what you want to do, do what feels right for you.
It’s all made me realise. Happiness comes first. above all else. Get happy and everything else will fall into place. Choose Love. Even if it is in the form of a milky coffee heart, choose love.
Now I think… daily, any choice I have to make. what brings me the most happiness, I weigh it up, no matter the money, whatever, and I go with it.
What do you love? What brings you the most happiness?